don't you miss freshman year when you could get away with "but i've never given a bj before..."
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
i was so fucked up i thought i was at home depot
I'm wearing red that night.
Noted, what shade?
Whore.
When I left you were in the shower in your socks throwing up screaming it was blood but it was "ok" cuz it's recyclable. By the way it was kool aid.
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
The fact that you walked around talking like Barbie and still got laid amazes me.
But seriously. What possible excuse could I come up with to ditch my parents on Christmas to go fuck him?
We were just getting out tux's at men's warehouse he pulled both of the fitting room girls. I dont think he should be getting married
Why would you waste your Ritalin on your children?
I pack a first-aid kit when I DD for you. What does that tell you about your partying? For what I see and do, paying my food and gas for the night is a goddamn BARGAIN.
Yeah, we got drunk and stole road signs.
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
Randomize
