you remind me of a slightly lless slutty bristol palin
and you remind me of a slightly less retarded levi johnston
I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
i like to finish this college football season knowing that not once have I had to masturbate to erin andrews
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
i left the icescrapper in his bathroom. i dont remember taking it there, but i remember brushing his hair with it.
In all fairness I did warn the guy I just spray tanned before we had sex so I hold no responsibility for the bronzer all over his sheets
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
My mom just told me the story of how she met my dad through prison. How was your saturday?
I was woken up in my old house by the new residents ... I don't even have a Key anymore
Where are you on a scale from one to wasted?
Like alphabetically I'd say a v
Grilled cheese and shark week. Unemployment done right.
Just puked in a cup. Poured it out the window.
Nothing like being naked and confused and clutching a scented candle...at least I woke up in my own bed though.
only 4 hours until nug lovin time
excuse me?
nug lovin. lovin nugs.
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