Did u get laid? I went and bought lube and fleshlighted it while moaning ur name the whole time.
my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
But it's a terrible idea. One erection and it's gonna go wrong
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
Wow way to turn my death into an oppurtunity to get laid
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
We had 15 min before last call. Exact quote "let's see how drunk we can get."
Bitch guess who just got a fucking taser
I'm still getting random messages from guys about my Halloween outfit. Electrical tape is coming back next year
Have you ever just sat there and thought about past penises?
As if I wouldn't steal Nintendo brand "Mario is my HOMEBOY!" boxers when he gave me the entire drawer to choose from.
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
So my roommate just came out of the shower with a dude...guess that answers all questions as to whether or not he's gay
I've amended my previous statement: I'm not allowed to put in my two weeks till I ask out the waitress. Now I have motivation on two levels
And I’m prepared, because I'm in it to win it (and by win I mean get railed hard)
Randomize
