Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
I got date raped at Sigma Chi last night!
Dude, you never made it to Chi last night. You fell into a tree and passed out.
ya ever know whats down there. always send some fingers in first to scout the situation. fingers are not used for pleasure. they're used for covert missions.
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
They gave me a glowstick necklace to wear so they could locate me if I wandered off into the woods
that freshman chick we always see on the weekends walked into art class wearing a jaegermeister shirt and holding a monster, which she proceeded to shotgun with a pair of scissors. It sickens me to know I will never achieve her level
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
Side note. I love it when I think I've sobered up and then I get a second wind of drunk
HIS BALLS ARE HEAVEN SENT FROM THE VELVET ANGLES.
Hungover playing piano at a baptism I am the PICTURE of class I feel like I should be struck by lightning
Trust me.. Might look gay.. Might feel gay... But I could snap your neck with my inside thighs bro
Yes. He better. Or I will shave a penis into his beard while he sleeps.
God is tempting me with everything tonight. Brownies and dick, mostly.
I walked past his mum on the way out and she offered me toast in a napkin "for my travels". Being home from uni is weird.
Randomize
