we'll penetrate his innocence with our dicks
Does boxed wine and camel crushes signify a college date? Lets hope so
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
Dude... Hand job in the lake... It was as weird as it sounds.
Should I be curious about Jeffrey randomly sending me a picture of him holding a crab, or just move on with my life?
Tell her to buy some booze and drink away her sorrows like an adult.
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
Just went to my first strip club and they had Fox News on. Conservative booty time.
$150 and 3 orgasms. Dogsitting is awesome.
Once you jizz in someones hat, you cant take it back.
MY TITS ARE PERFECTLY CALM.
Yes dating, but it seems easier to just live in a perpetual state of Netflix, internet porn, and cheese.
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
Does it still count as a threesome if one girl left halfway through cause we were having too much sex?
Fuck you for even being able to ask that question
Randomize
