My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
Either your mom needs to stop making spagetti or we need to lay off the anal. I cant tell you how much im in pain.
Spagetti cuz im not giving up the other one.
Just saw a picture of your new tub, cant wait to pee in it
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
You were drunk it couldn't have been that bad
I've never been drunk enough to enjoy getting a blister on my dick.
Ya. My thumbs are those buffalo's, but my legs are spirits and my torso is that Indian guys and my head is the eagle
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
Split a bottle of Johnny Walker and then decided to eat a shit ton of peanut butter. That was a rough bed to wake up in
I will buy you batman underwear babe. I'll make sure you wear them every time we have to adult.
I was planning out a scrapbook to memorialize my affair.......and that's when it hit me, I don't make good choices. On the upside, the scrap book came out great and I am glad I saved all the gate passes from the airport.
Do you think they manscape in the zombie apocalypse?
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
Randomize
