You're in luck. The brownies don't even have butter, just vege oil
Sweater Vest, Chin Strap, Beard, sporting a white Beret- Please don't ever let me be THAT guy.
There is something about listening to Patsy Cline while pooping that makes the experience so much better.
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
You're surprisingly coherent for someone who thinks her couch is breathing.
A piece of cheeseburger just fell between my tits. Consider this a "wish you were here" postcard.
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
I forgot to tell you, the medics put you in a wheel chair. ( I kept telling you to cat daddy) oh you also gave everyone high fives for speaking English.
New drinking game: Drink while you Drink. I'll explain the rules when I see you, needless to say, it's not difficult. Unless you enjoy sobriety, humanity and life. Bestest.
I think if you have sex on the couch it will psychologically damage it.
That moment when I wear the same thing I did to a motel nooner to my family's Christmas party... Ho Hoety Ho bitches
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
I know, dude. If he ends up having a tiny dick, I will literally pack it back into his pants and leave. Not worth the aggravation.
he went down on me WHILE i ate BACON PIZZA! best. boyfriend. ever.
Randomize
