just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
a creepy fucking ass man came up and started raven cawwing in my ear... he said it was the raven mating call. i am officially freaked out
He's not so smart and obsessed with sex and lacks listening comprehension skills. I feel like i'm dating a sexually competent sesame street character.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Alright we have to be drunk.before noon tomorrow. Its a new law i just got passed through congress. It goes into effect imediately
Just saw a huge group of people walk by in there in their underwear. Too stoned for this.
Gosh, I don't even have that. Let alone someone to tie me up and whip me with Twizzlers.
My cab driver has a hooker in the front seat. Really, this is serious. And weird.
Vodka drinking games. Where you wake up next to a douche lord and see your thong in the blinds.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It's really not cool dreaming about going into labor with your ex boyfriends love child as you're sleeping next to him.
I didn't know what happened last night until the bruises in the shape of hands showed up on my boobs. Then it all made sense.
I was giving him a blowjob but we had to stop because he started crying when his cat walked in and started staring at us
Those boxers don't belong to me anymore. They belong to the desert surrounding Phoenix.
you missed a good time last night.
you texted me at 10 telling me to come fuck you, that says enough.
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
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