im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
im 80% sure the guy across from me is taking pictures of my legs
i saw her thong sticking out from across the bar...that was my cue
In other news I saw a pack of make believe zombies walking down green st.
gotta love wednesdays
Then you ran outside and said you were gonna give the snowman a blowjob
I'm posted up in the bathroom at au bon pain, high as balls, experimenting with eyeshadow combinations and listening to 90s jlo. The girl in the stall next to me just plopped a big one and I laughed, hope I ruined her day
i just got banned from the m&m's website for trying to get poon slayer written on my custom order
I think Jabba the Hut is dying in the stall next to me.
My husband has seen you naked more times this week than me. I don't consider it a bad thing since you keep bringing the booze to our house. And because my tits are bigger.
You know you hit Mardi Grad bottom when you come to in someone's kitchen on the floor and you are eating gumbo out of a Mixing bowl with a ladle......yeah rock fucking bottom
Anyone who does not consider cereal and wine as a balanced breakfast needs to leave immediately.
Had a vaginal orgasm. I feel like I made sex my bitch.
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
I've been in town for almost 36 hrs and I haven't made out with a stranger yet - I consider THAT a record!
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
Randomize
