i have the same doorman on the day shift as the guyi shacked with has on the night shift. he just laughed at me when i came home this AM. FML
Maybe I'll tuck it in and pretend to be a woman pretending to be a man that is attracted to women that are attracted to women who look like men
I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
this is the second time in my life i thought i might need to go to rehab. im including all the mornings that i wake up in dewey beach as "the first time"
I told the girl who was peeing in the garbage can she must have had a lot of upper body strength.
You sent me a picture of you holding a goat then asked me if I would have day sex
Dude, you need to man up. You passed out before a PRESEASON game. It's a long season.
Well, after emptying the contents of my stomach into a fucking rose bush, the only things moving through my digestive system are pills, coffee, and my own lip gloss. If that gives you any idea what kind of a day I'm having.
I'm out of prison. Wanna start a band?
She asked the bartender for "7 shots of something fruity" and long story short the bartender punched me in the face. Chivalry is stupid.
I feel like there should be a 'roommate information section' of the paperwork when there's a chance you'll be given pain killers.
I'm pmsing and only have one functional foot
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
I have like three friends I don't have sex with, what did you expect
DO NOT FUCK YOUR ENGAGED GAY NEIGHBOR!
Randomize
