god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
you dont need to remember merediths name haha. only jane
Do you ever look back at facebook pics and say, "are those really guys I had sex with?"
I woke up naked on the bathroom floor. the tile grout marks on my boobs hurt, i mananged to use a roll toilet paper as a pillow. never again. did we eat salad?
Thanks for putting the blue stuff in the toilet, it made me throwing up this morning more enjoyable.
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
IDK but this explains my bloody dashboard.
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
I've been trying to brush my teeth for 20 mins now... Mother of hangovers.
"DO YOU LIKE FLYING KITES" WORKED AS A PICKUP LINE. SUCK IT.
wow thanks for pushing me towards an older man
you gotta start somewhere if you're going to be a trophy wife
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
FYI bail money is still in my drawer. I know you have no car but you need to know this for tomorrow.
We're pretty sure we got naked at Pride, so running the two blocks to your place in my underwear is a step up the dignity ladder really.
This is the weekend we were supposed to be in Vegas making bad decisions hoping no one got VD, not stuck at home for the 900th day in a row
Randomize
