She came to work with 6 additional layers of make-up, playing every Nickelback song about explicit teen sex, and with a dozen twinkies she bet she could finish without chewing any. I'm investing in a rape whistle.
My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
if you were drunk and peed in your friend's washing maching, would you send an "i'm sorry" text or say nothing at all?
all hypothetical of course
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And I know a few people wouldnt want to even be around high people. Which is sad. But jet packs are cool.
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
I mean its not the first time I passed out drunk at barnes and noble.
I need to find my pants, a way out of here, and a cheeseburger.
Waking up next to a 3 inch puddle of water in my kitchen with a bathing suit on...what the fuck went on lastnight
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Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
Don't blame me. I told you I didn't know if I had a key to those hancuffs.
Why were my jeans in the freezer of the mini fridge, and how long have they been in there? On another note, I found my teacher's ID badge.
I'm gonna take a crap in the portashitter like a civilized human being.
Why can I remember how tall Nicki Minaj is from looking up her height once months ago, yet after weeks into the semester I can't even remember where any my classrooms are located
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.