whats a more ladylike way to say "fuck me on your lunch break"?
Whenever I miss you I just turn on Tool Academy
how can i change my meal plan to a keystone plan?
I just made easy mac in my blender. Beat that.
WHAT DO YOU MEAN I DIDN'T APOLOGIZE? THERE WAS A PEACE OFFERING MADE VIA TACO BELL.
I lost track of him after he threw the handful of pennies at the 2 female cops and ran into the darkness. I heard a tazer and a scream. All that is left is his flip flop. Its like hes drunken man-derella.
I'm stoned and just shared 4 cookies with this chicks dog
They're raisins though so they're healthy. No worries.
If you're asking how many times you took off your clothes and played with the tiki torches.....the answer is 3.
You get home okay?
I'm pantless and in bed
That doesn't mean you're at home.
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
I'm worried about your health. And your boobs. Actually, health, then boobs. Health first, boobs second. And third.
It doesn't count as "finding the lesbian" if you fuck a straight girl!
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
The cops high fived after they tackled you
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
Randomize
