please. tell me to stop eating out of the trash.
So I'm cool with the whole break up, but it sure is a shame we didn't get to use those handcuffs.
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
he just tried to convince me that tylenol is a gateway drug
best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
He said he wanted to see my room, not my womb. It's a common mistake.
i can recognize that vagina from a mile away
She's wearing her dead grandmother's pearl on the married finger so no guys "bother her" tonight... I am not THAT committed to Girl's Night.
To confirm, you are a grown ass man and you just asked me what her vag looked like.
I'm having post-experience "why didn't I fuck her in a public bathroom" regrets
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
Like why am I even still facebook friends with a guy I let finger me at a concert?
We were 69ing, but at an angle so we could both still watch Wall-E
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
I'm not saying it wasn't great. I'm just saying sleeping with a gassy, depressed,45 year old mother was a different experience. Would do it again though.
Randomize
