So. Did i wake up at 430, try to drive home, stop to throw up at a shell, and try to clean out my car and drop my keys in a full dumpster? Yes.
High as balls & about to be tanning. Helloooo 15 minute vacay.
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
I just ASL-ed someone for the first time since 2002.
Debating whether the Plan B I had this morning would go under breakfast or lunch in my food log.
It's 4 am here and I just vomited myself awake....Not rising OR shining any time soon
See I would make a great girlfriend. My surprises are sex and burritos. What else do guys want
I never realized how you can accidentally go home with someone until tequila got involved.
I mean, if there was a version of you with a penis, you'd fuck it...right? Like just outta curiosity at least
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
We put you in the box and you started to cry, that's how high you were.
Vocabulary what?!? Shakespeare is my bitch.
Randomize
