he told me he wanted to get "words" tattooed on his penis so he could say hes always putting words in my mouth..
my mom just called and warned me someone is trying to serve me, i feel like i'm playing an extreme game of hide and go seek these next weeks
Just made gatorade. in the bathtub.
beware of the wheat thins...there might be a knife in it
i can recognize that vagina from a mile away
Seriously, it sounds like someone is torturing a dozen cats inside a Japanese techno club while a jamaican yells random hipster words through a megaphone.
Gosh, I don't even have that. Let alone someone to tie me up and whip me with Twizzlers.
We all make mistakes. Just lock them up deep down inside your mind so they can surface as weird sexual fantasies it takes your therapist years to decipher when your 40
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
we're decorating our christmas cookies with birth control. so pretty.
Bro my mom is in for two days and you can't even hold back on the drinking she said as she left i hope he doesn't always pee his pants and he is sure popular with the girls wtf
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
So I woke up really sad and then I looked in the cabinet and there was weed and now I'm not sad anymore
I don't know why I bit your face last night but I'm sorry .
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
Randomize
