The more I look at him the more I wonder why anyone would ever want any of his features to be a part of their childs face.
started to yawn and threw up hamburger helper instead. awesome night.
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
quit making up holidays to get me to go drinking with you
After 13 tally marks I wrote the number 4,000 and made u sign my arm to prove it.
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
I sent him an 18 page sext. He's going to have a good morning.
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
There is maybe 10 hours out of any given day we aren't sober.
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
All I remember is the bartender saying your sucking them down and waking up on the floor in my underwear
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
dude, i told you to rally, so you sprinted upstairs, knocked some girl down, and without missing a beat said, "not now bitch, im in the fucking zone" and took off
Well I just masturbated while reading a recipe for Alfredo sauce so I guess you could say I’m growing up
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