Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
do you ever think like no deep thought could take place in the spanish language? like all they talk about is like tacos?
how high are you?
Just tried to fight the dj at cowboys because he would'nt play freebird. Pick me up now.
Also just realized how inappropriate it looks to other drivers to finish bottles of cheap champagne at stoplights
No big deal, we were just two friends having sex. It's perfectly normal we don't remember. Water under the sex bridge,
My therapist is concerned about your alcoholism.
Well, they emptied out the keg by the third kegstand for America.
At what point in my life did a night that has strippers, belly dancers, tequila and a midget become "average"?
The front desk girl just had that condescending welcome-home-from-your-walk-of-shame face on
It was probably because you set your bra on the couter while you found your ID...
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
It was all good till you had ppl chasin shots of ciroc with fucking applesauce
My vagina has a heartbeat. That means I'm in love, right?
How many gummy vitamins can I eat before I die
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