Someone just asked me to go to the dining hall for dinner and he will use one of his swipes to pay for my meal. i think this is a college version of a date
I ended up with a gash in my head from drunken dancing last night. I love life.
he asked me to lick his asshole and I told him his girlfriend could do that for him
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
I feel like I should go door-to-door apologizing to America.
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
doing squats while I brush my teeth.. gotta keep the booty in check
A girl just invited me over for a blowjob and beer. Is this a trap?
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
He came and farted at the same time. My life is over.
She asked what a chaser is. I died a little inside, please come back..
I had a threesome last night with my fiance' and our soon to be best man. Everyone is surprisingly chill about it this morning. Is this any indication of what the wedding night will be like?
Long story short I ended up getting choked out by a really hot guy in the girls bathroom at a bar last night
Just passed a girl holding a jar filled with what appeared to be diarrhea
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
Randomize
