my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
cant tell, his cock is acting like one of those inflatable arm waving things outside the market
well we called the liquor store to tell them to stay open five more minutes so we could make it and they recognized our voices. I've never been more proud.
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
We found her on the balcony debating if it was easier to jump or throw up. Neither decision would not have been good for the 91 year old below us.
.As long as you're some how patriotic with your sexual escapades, I can support it.
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
I slipped in the shower today and broke my lighter..
I'm not breaking up with him because his husky is having puppies.
Drinking wine while working. Yay.
Just had sex at the YMCA.
We are so productive today.
My parents left me the house for the weekend...you know what that means?!
Harry Potter marathon and no pants.
Randomize
