I seriously wish I was FB friends with her
but she was nice to me.
She was a fuckin STRIPPER.
Just witnessed a fat girl fall off the treadmill, pop a medicine ball, and drink coke out of a water bottle all in one workout.
Throw up on the ground, people dancing to loud Bollywood music, seats literally missing. Fuck I hate public transit
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
Had "I should be in prison or dead" storytime at the bar. Found out James has done blow off a dead guy. Overwhelmed and speechless.
I may have made out with a tranny last night, which, if I don't get fired for everything else that happened, really makes last night epic.
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
Please rescue me. but take your time, im getting pizza
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
Some girl is sitting topless in the kitchen and having a Skype video chat with some guy. I already like it here.
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
Just used the pen i got in my signing ceremony to pack down my bowl. coach would be proud
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
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