Sometimes I think its so cool that a dick that has been inside kate moss has also been inside me. So exciting.
if i had a camp nickname it would be Flick Bean
I just recorded courtney puking and set it as my ringtone.
I wish my dick could take responsibilities for his own actions
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
September 16th, captains log. I awoke in a daze, not sure of my location
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
It felt like Party Santa dropped by and gave us two more 18-packs.
Wait, whatever happened to locking our vaginas in closets?
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
The guy at the rodeo just told me "if ya don't say none, ya don't get none". What the hell does that mean?
Im pretty sure you just got hit on by a gay cowboy.....
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
i'm sitting in my room 'bout to smoke a bowl. also, i found out that you don't need a permit to own a tiger in wisconsin, so we're buying one when we move in together.
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
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