I'm at the bar and I just saw some unnecessary and accidental cooter...sometimes I think girls need a license to go out pantyless in public.
"I could never have "feelings" for someone who, at one point, wanted to "hate fuck" my face."
Dude..masurbate with cocoa butter lotion..its like cocoa pebbles just gave me a hand job
At this point do you think buying mom a pot plant would be funny or highly inappropriate?
he fell down during beer pong and the chick told him to rub the sand out of his pussy and suck it up. i am in love
What has two arms, one testicle and no credit card debt? This guy.
He tried to give me a shoulder massage while i peed in the neighbors bushes to "make it more relaxing."... I let him... That drunk
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
Shitshow foam night was such a success
you know i have almost 1500 fb friends but not ONE drunk booty call?
I took a sleeping pill while he was in the bathroom. Time for a game of how long can we bang before I fall asleep.
You are both horrible and amazing
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
Dropped the bowl in the litter box. But it landed face up. What do I do?
The wedding is over. Operation sleep with my step-sister has officially begun
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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