im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
I only kidnapped one of them. chill
You know, as long as there were ice cream breaks, I would totally eat chips for a living.
The dutch village is so much worse hungover. Fuck them and their wooden shoes.
My morning has consisted of lying in a fetal position, eating a whole tub of ben and jerry's, talking to my cat, and setting all of our pictures on fire. Does that answer your question?
I can feel the alcohol in my calves
In hindsight, the torn ligament in my knee is probably the fault of the ginbucket and jager bombs starting at 3pm. I guess I'll stop blaming it on you.
Im on the side of I-10 covered in sweat, cookie dough, hollandaise sauce, onion gravy, and ground beef wondering how my life I ended up here
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
orgasmnado...tomorrow night
That's what I'm talking about
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
There was a deer right in front of me when I came. Sex in the forest is awesome
We were going to play manhunt in a strip club, calling it mancunt.
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
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