i want you now
you need to stop dating girls with the same name as your mother...or stop drinking so much...I don't want to see this
She said if it slipped out one more time she was going to duct tape it in her vagina
i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
Chelsea handler, $19 million - Forbes women top 100. Seriously she shaped her career around her love of vodka. HERO.
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
At least my fat-chick-ratio has not been that bad this semester ...
Let's just say that watching the sunrise in a space helmet is really the only way to do it.
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
i just stole a 8 pack of olde english 40s and 2 roles of duct tape. we are going to make edward proud tonight.
Apparently being drunk on a southwest flight and yelling "TURNUP" during take off is looked down upon in this state.
I don't know what's worse the fact that I woke up with a clit piercing or the fact that I didn't pay for it.
Today I learned that I have a bigger dick than Draymond Green
Remember the time you cried about coconuts
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
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