dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
Full bush! Can't stay! Need ride! Come on bro!
Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
the girl sitting next to me in class is using her birth control box as a ruler
i was just skypeing her and i saw the vagisil medicated wipes in the corner of her room. i'll be breaking this off tomorrow
I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
It was one of those you-have-no-other-way-home-and-we-already-made-out-so-I-guess-youre-coming-home-with-me-if-you-promise-to-leave-early kind of deals.
By the way, playing "guess who I had sex with last night" was a great way to start a Thursday, or any day
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
The end of the friendship was inevitable. I hooked up with her cousin and forgot to mention it to her
The day will come again young grasshopper. For now you must complete your training of patience and tongue biting
he ended the message XOXO, who the fuck does he think he is GossipGirl.
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
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