Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
so, is "hi, did i take your virginity six years ago and never call afterwards?" an appropriate greeting in a bar?
he just started chanting dark meat! dark meat! out of no where.
I can hear her moaning. I'm on some random guy's counter. He wanted me to cuddle but I said I didn't know how.
We're at the hospital. She got a head rush and fell and now blood everywhere. Smoke the rest, just save her a bowl
okay have fun. but Under NO circumstances ever attempt to outdrink the german exchange student. no matter how badly you want to blow him. just don't.
FYI, grandma is already drunk and using a bed sheet as a table cloth.
Why did I puke in my shower caddy last night
I wore pigtails while I was having sex with that 22 year old just to make him feel like a pedophile.
Speaking of boners I learned how to say " jizz everywhere" in sign language
I thought you couldn't go near Germans after that restraining order
Howd it go?
Well we had the "no we're not fucking on the porch" conversation but then we totally fucked on the porch. So I'd say alright.
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
Randomize
