I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
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She referred to her collection of sex toys as an "arsenal." I'm not sure whether to be scared or excited....
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
I was more than drunk as hell I have rug burn on my elbows from ninja roles on the ground..
Ran into his mom at the bar, i told her "i know he's married now but I'd still do him"
No more jager for that guy. He jacked the neighbor kids big wheel, rode around making jet noises, then passed out behind the wheel and rolled it and broke his wrist
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He's holding a pee stick. Yes it's weird.
dude I just found tht weird ass guy u invited last night passed out in my closet.... apparently he "couldn't find the exit"
We share an apartment, weed and genitals. It's called being practical not in love.
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
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