ps i'm pretty sure i was blacked out when we hooked up? good thing i was w. you and not an actual diddler or an organ harvester
Hahaha. Shut up you were blacked out my ass. U were str8 mixin it up with urs truly like it was ur J-O-B
how many beers do i need before it is acceptable to sleep with sam
enough that when i make fun of you for it tomorrow you wont even remember it happening
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
just peed on the 7/11 floor and casually left. Omg so drunk
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We just for robbed for the second time. I believe the only thing I have left to my name is my $75 dildo
Dude, you need to understand there is a fine line between "guilty pleasure" and in the closet gay
Watched him slip somethin into her drink. Dragged him of his bar stool, punched him out, and told her what i saw. Bartender used some chemical to confirm presence of rophynol. Just woke up at her place
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
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Except if I'm having sex. In which case you're in the bed with us or out of the room. No halfsie participation.
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
Dude. I need you to practice dancing around in your banana hamock. Party boy style. I'll call later with details.
I just traded sex to frolic with a box of husky puppies. Is this rock bottom?
As your friend, who loves and cares for you, I have to be honest. I am judging you so VERY hard right now. Sorry.
I just shook glitter of my birth control packet so I’d say it’s safe to say it was a good weekend
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