Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
hey is it cool if i invite some fat girls to the party so i can be the skinny one?
yeah okay. but if i take one home with me you have to come over in the morning and tell her to get her shit and go.
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
We snorted a line of cocaine and xanax, and then played a game of Backgammon. It was surprisingly therapeutic.
I would like to apologize for my MANY attempts of trying to motor boat you.
i don't know what happened by from the looks of her lipstick I'd say she was skull fucked by a rhino
Off topic, but is it sad that Matthew and I are calculating how much sex we need to have in order to work off a taco bell burrito?
I'm mumbling to people and trying not to accidentally shit my pants
We ended up debating which Food Network host would do best in porn.
That UFC fighter fucked me so hard I have what can only be described as a "cuntcussion"
You showed them your nipple for dollars for the jukebox. You were depressed because only one of your songs played. Oh then you twisted your ankle and blamed it on your mad stripper skills.
No shame in my game.
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
I am eating a king sized snickers in the strip club. Good morning.
It's not safe here. I had urgent and violent diarrhea last night, and I got blackout drunk. Please don't come over.
we just smoked for like ten hours and got froyo. not a bad start to the weekend.
Randomize
