I swear god or herbie drove my car home
watching elf naked is so much better than watching it with clothes on .
so i may have indirectly taught my 13 year old campers how to give blowjobs.
I think I dropped my cock ring in your back yard
He screamed "Hug me!" and dove into the bushes. How he gets laid every weekend is beyond me.
My dad caught me fucking in the pool last night. He proceeded to tell me I needed to "quiet things down" while this guys dick was still in me. Worst daughter ever.
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
The international association of gay square dance clubs had a booth set up in the lobby of my hotel.
My ninety day supply of adderal just came in the mail and I literally just dumped all 180 pills into my hands and laughed like a maniac. Shits about to get cray
HE JUST ALLUDED TO FUCKING MY FRESH LOAF OF BREAD
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
Get off the floor, put away the cookie dough, get ur shit together Scott.
Randomize
