If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
Watching the gap toothed girl get more ass than me is almost devastating.
there was a fucking fire juggler. but it was ok bc i was in the kiddie pool and it was the safe zone
Im thinking about quitting weed for my dog
Should we buy the taco bell before hand? Not having taco bell on Quattro de mayo isn't a risk I'm willing to take
Im rolling face in a pizzeria. I want to be with people who love me.
So the contents found in my winter coats this year: coat 1, condom and 10$. Coat 2, condom and 75$ check. Coat 3, 2.05$ and a sunflower seed.
Obviously coat 3 had the best time since you used the condom and all of the money
Yeah I'm at work. Nothing like the threat of blowing chunks on passing cars to make you feel alive.
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
Next time you decide to post pictures of yourself in your underwear on facebook, please don't tag me as your bulge.. My mom spent 10 minutes looking for me in that picture. I had to tell her I was hiding.
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
Randomize
