I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
We found you on the floor drooling you kept saying over and over how you were double jointed.
Your excessive judging is making this uncomfortable
You know how hard it is to drive a dirtbike down a road with 2 plants of weed on your lap. Fucking hard
He stopped in the middle of us having sex and asked "is today Monday?" then went even faster
I'm covered in mustard and it looks like I nose dived in to barbed wire ??? Was last night that good?
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
Please warn me if you ever end up in porn, cause I don't want to stumble across that on accident, okay?
Remember that time I hopped home naked from the bar, then tried to convince you I was ok to drive you home? Good call on the taxi.
Do you think accidently including this month's Credit Card statement in my application will keep me from getting into grad school?
Depends ... when did you purchase your vibrator?
You made noises. And kept meowing. I have a twenty minute phone call to prove it.
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
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