This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
She said her tits were too big, and he slapped her. He said that Jesus didn't appreciate bitches that fish for compliments
im never drinking wine from a person in a wet suit and goggles ever again.
He was drinking hot tub water because i refused to get him a glass of water...
thank you for reminding me that I stumbled into a public place drunk at 9am wearing a chicks pants.
Please explain why there is a video of you peeing in the Taco Bell bathroom on my phone? Also why did you wink at the end?
Its ok. Im having a low day. About to mix cake mix with milk and drink it.
Hate you missed the after party, I was covered in dish soap gliding bare assed down a slip n slide at 6:30 this morning
I woke up on top of his counter next to a pot of boiling water and an empty package of ramen... what happened to the ramen, we will never know.
Also I'm sorry for asking you to shave my vagina for me last night
Don't be alarmed when we finally get naked and I let out a WOOHOO!!!
People are talking politics and I have had 9 mimosas
I may have taken the entire adderall. I FEEL LIKE THE FUCKIN HULK. I can't stop cleaning and organizing and doing the clean things
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
apparently ive been in a long term relationship for the past 1 1/2 years w/ out knowing
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