my hangover today makes thursday's feel like a bubble bath.
So Ive been fucking her for the past couple months and i just found our that my grandfather and her grandmother were fuck buddies for a while. I feel like this is a new awesome family tradition that skips a generation.
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
Using the ceiling fan to slice the hotdogs in mid-air can only be contributed to our liberal use of 1800.
My roommate threw his shoe through our window and I came out of my blackout kicking holes in my wall. Pretty sure Edward 80 Hands won't be happening anymore.
its all coming back to me in waves....waves of humiliation and nausea.
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
Dude, I fucked her last night with nothing but my bandana on. Like straight Indian chief style.
My Mom printed off all of my Augusts text messages. Apparently I've been drinking WAY too much and having an intermediate drug problem. I have to go home everyw weekend for the rest of the semester
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
Lol I think I might have been a little aggressive last night there is a blue ass print from your jeans on my wall
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
Life lesson: if a hot naked girl tells you to spit on something, you spit on it. No questions.
I would never blame a unicorn for anything.....how dare you
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