An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
I'm actually pretty neutral about a lot of things. I'm like Switzerland with a penis.
after I pulled back my foreskin she said, "cool like a transformer". I really like her now.
I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
He shit in the bushes next to the pool at the Venetian, after throwing up in the hallway. You really can do anything in Vegas.
You totally drew a penis wizard on my closet that says "I travel for cock rock"
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
You have permanently scared my back with your nails. I would like to congratulate you on a job well done.
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
I have a weapon and I'm not blacked out. Good as gold
I knew no one else would have gone along with it since it's morally wrong and probably illegal. You said, "Yes. And let's add fireworks."
Saw a dude last night at a strip club's bar eating canned pineapple and giving tootsie pops to the girls...
My passport was stamped in Canada two weeks ago. One step closer to uncovering wtf happened that night
My fucking earlobe is bruised what the hell
Don't worry about it too much, but I just committed us to possibly raising a kid
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