So how was he last night?
Five-minute foot-long.
Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
I just realized I used lady gaga lyrics in my research paper on marie antoinette
I've got 15 minutes to eat dinner and drink a 40. Four years of college has all been training for this moment.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
she told me if people cross their eyes and look at her, they say she looks like megan fox
The worst thing about him living around the corner is that who ever suggests the booty call is the one that walks over.
He asked her to marry him and she said yes. There is NO WAY she knows about his penchant for wearing lingerie.
I love how when they see that I'm upset their initial response is to offer me ecstasy
IF YOU HAVE THE CHANCE TO HIT THAT, AND YOU DON'T, I WILL FUCKING CRUCIFY YOU.
You're such a supportive sister.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He doesn't wear a seatbelt. He votes Republican. He has a small dick. That house of cards just fell apart.
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
I was so high I kept trying to flush the toilet with the light switch
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
I just found out why people like handcuffs.
Randomize