i can now get sex on a playground off my list of things to do in life.
She was Ugg boots AND a Bumpit. Of course I didn't sleep with her.
I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
Theres a dude at this concert at the urinal double fisting beers, taking drinks from both while simultaneously pissing euerywhere. He is my hero
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
I hope he says my name when they're having anniversary sex this weekend.
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
Slip and slide hallway was not one of my better ideas.
she got the mcdonald's logo tattooed on her ass. sober. yesterday at noon.
When he wakes up tomorrow with half shaved legs smelling like a preteens bathroom, I'm sure he will think he has had a great evening
Im sorry you'll never get the feeling of closeness when you go to pee outside and you realize you're peeing right where someone else just peed
I mean, don't most people have like a two week grace period where it's okay to ditch new friends?
Ok maybe second best. He dated a stripper. Can't compete with that level of hoeness
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