First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
They had miseltoe over the keg.... thats cheating
his cum tasted like old pizza and looked like old milk
Don't put random dicks in your mouth or any other crevice for that matter... and i'm home in 30 seconds
Wish I got that text last night instead of this morning.
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
i can recognize that vagina from a mile away
Your place is a magnet for either righteous parties or crippling alcohol dependency. Lets find out which together
So what's today's forecast for the female rollercoaster you've been riding?
So on a scale from 1-10 how gross is it that I used mortuary makeup on my own face?
It's the kinda thing that makes you wanna buy a rainbow flag and fight republicans and kiss girls
There's a Japanese guy here dressed as a Viking who just screamed "wats up cocksluts" and kicked a guy in the face. come get me out of here.
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
Last night I made out with two lesbians while dancing with another girl. I'm pretty sure it wasn't even real life.
Tequila. The ruiner of all good intentions.
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