I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
Did you know that scruff feels epic on boobs especially when they are covered in whip cream?
Look bro I'll go half per boob with you, we split her.
As my straight cousin I need you to answer a question. Are the Astros a baseball team, and if so, are they good? This is flirting related and time-sensitive.
Maybe don't sell him so much adderall next time. The other day during finals he was convinced that he could see the "molecules of life in the air" and kept reaching up slowly to grab them.
See this is where I mess up.. I get distracted by the option of consistent sex and free beer
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
My liver needs me to go back to work asap.
It feels so wrong having a picture of my tits next to a picture of my daughter.
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
Um..... I have taste. The only thing I am going to bedazzle is my vagina.
Randomize
