youre so sexy i want your bod
dude, did you turn gay?
heather?
this is jacob
guy from last night has fluorescent crocs in his closet. judging by the rest of his clothes he doesn't wear them in an ironic way
singing james blunt while drunk. tell me thats not wonderful
There is something about listening to Patsy Cline while pooping that makes the experience so much better.
this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
Today in class was pretty awsome. I dont feel like i have to throw up and im actually paying attention. This is a first for friday
Thats why you always identify the subtext of a blowjob before you accept it.
You can't spell "party" without "RA."
You know what else you can't spell it without? "Gonna get fired."
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
Mom called her a cunt. I think that's code for "don't bring her over ever again."
People will say "JOE YOU MUST TURN DOWN" and I will refuse, in the name of liberty.
He couldn't get his dick hard. So he started yelling at it. " EVERYONE is laughing at you, you piece of shit no wonder you can't get pussy" i wonder if that happens frequently I'll try again next weekend
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
Please tell your sister I apologize about saying her baby may have beef curtains. That was inappropriate.
He’s only in town today and our afternoon sex sesh kept getting interrupted by the neighbor’s kid yelling and screaming in the pool
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