but i have a bet that her boyfriend is going to try and deflower her tonight so i better get a move on if i want to videotape it
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
i find it unbelievable that you didn't think it was necessary to intervene when i started letting people autograph my body with spray tan.
I forgot how wholesome of a place a park is when youre not drinking there.
Currently doing my walk of shame down a floating dock. No more guys who live on a boat EVER AGAIN
There were two girls and a guy on a bed and now i can put porn director on my resume.
we were the definition of too high: argued for 10 minutes about who was gonna get the condom (it was 2 feet away on the night stand) and past out watching adventure time.
We fucked through the entire Destiny's Child album, it was a beautiful thing.
"Wine night with the girls" turned into me having to set an alarm in the bathtub this morning...
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
Jager makes that raccoon appear... The one that shits in a basket in my living room.
he made me cum so hard i had an asthma attack
She started crying, nearly punched a guy, started smoking multiple cigarets backwards and broke the slide on her bong. Why do I always end up babysitting the crazy ones?
last night you made out with a 19 year old on a bar and i woke up with a swede in my bed. lets just say that never happened.
Randomize