Just puked on the beach. Hungover. In front of my parents. I love summer.
A-plus on my thesis. I deserve the blowjob to end all blowjobs. And I wanna wear a crown while you do it.
there are teeth marks in the soap. why are there teeth marks in the soap.
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
I was very proud of myself that day. I had an awesome time. I don't care if I negatively impacted others.
Tonight was the second time that I've pretended like English was my 2nd language to avoid conversation w a creeper.
No clues in my phone. Only dialed call: my own social security number. And that was before 10:00pm.
He filled four shots of Everclear and walked around saying "FREE VODKA SHOTS". he is to blame.
Xanax and an ambien. And wine. I'm just waiting for mouth to mouth from some hot EMT. Sort of like the slutty girls version of sleeping beauty
The last time I went to Vegas and the sun started to rise, my copilot went home with her nipples pierced.
It's beautiful and huge. Like a dinosaur.
There's a weed, money and oreo filled pinata promised for our party.
I'll do whatever I want when I'm 80.
If you are still alive at 80 I demand a medical explanation.
i just went to hell in the tanning bed. i think god is giving me a preview of what is in store if i keep getting drunk everyday.
The only words I could make out were "Dicksmash McIroncock".
Randomize
