Definitely locked eyes with the stripper who gave me a lapdance last night as she walked by me and into the Ann Taylor Loft in Times Square.
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
Learn some fucking English or leave me alone! "Your" is for something that belongs to you, like 'your herpes'. And "you're" is a contraction for "you are", like "you're not sleeping with me".
just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
He's pole dancing on a heat lamp.
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
I told him he didn't want "flip-flop extraction" on his medical history.
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
Me and my vagina aren't speaking at the moment.
Every time I walk onto campus my Saint Patrick's day scar starts to throb. I'm like a drunken accident prone Harry Potter
Trying not to look at her chest is like trying to not hear a fire engine racing by.
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
I'm pretty sure I regained my virginity last night
I'm not sure you count what happened last night as sex.
Randomize
