This is your Morning Wood Report: I have it.
no weekend plans? you're practically married
just without the last name or joint bank account
i'd advise against both
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
We argued about the championship during sex. Absolutely the manliest moment of my life.
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
she's sitting alone using her breathalyzer as a kazoo. help.
I love that the power of margaritas brought us back together.
When you mimic motorboating Jennifer Love Hewitt, is it really that hard to understand why no one thinks you're straight?
You need Xanax blowdarts
He literally wrote out a schedule. On it, there's a taco break, and a spot where I start crying.
i would stab him if he didn't just tell me he is a priest
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
I think my pickup truck has been used for the sex... This doesn't sit right with me.
he bought me ice cream then took me home and fucked the shit outta me. you can't write this kinda romance.
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
Randomize
