So I went into my gym pretty wasted and asked the trainer guy if i could order a cock meat sandwich. Needless to say, I'm canceling my membership tomorrow.
Dibs on passing out in front of the toilet.
Gentlemen...shes not going to tie her self to the table...
I sharted during my first quiz and I couldn't leave, I went ahead and took the rest of the day off.
Its your turn to fuck our RA next time she threatens us with an underage.
Oh, and no balcony sex...trust me.
It was like being fucked by the god of thunder, he gained power from the storm. I took a Plan B because I don't think regular birth control will stop Thor's sperm.
My mom got me high and then dropped me off at a church.
I've abandoned trying to find a logical explanation of your life.
I threw up this morning to Silent Night playing in background. It was actually quite soothing.
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
My house is about to be spotless and the only person visiting is the plumber and not the porno kind.
Damn that brownie almost kicked my ass. I'm not sure if my flight home lasted 10 minutes or 10 days..
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
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