So I was just looking through the calendar on my phone seeing what day new years was on & on dec 31st at 9am it says "nude champagne toast". Guess we have to do it.
I just fell off my chair and knocked over the table. People are staring. That hungover.
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
Call me when your ready for an explanation about the ham in your vagina.
I wish we couldve been like jesus and the desiples tongith
he said good things come in small packages and I decided to hook up with someone else
He walked into the pizza shop... Pulled the fire alarm.. And proceeded to dance to it...
When you wake up, just ignore the mess in the bathroom. I'll take her home when I'm off work.
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
Also, in the middle of me riding him, he said "I want you to dance on my dick" like I was supposed to know what that means
If you quit, you're not going to stick to our game plan of dead by 40. I will not be in the titty bar nursing home without you damning
Damnit.
I feel like they've probably fucked. Like.. you don't just bring a bitch a Big Mac if you haven't fucked her.
If you're going to do that you're going to need a pleather suit.
I fucking hate them. They came over and sat on me and made out. On top of me. Who the fuck does that?
By the time I realized I was watching a Danish porno with muppets it was already too late
Randomize
