I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
he kept asking me if i had been in a pool or a lake recently, i didnt want to say i know where the swimmers ear came from. shower sex.
He came in my nose, then said it would help clear my sinuses.
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
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I think it got a little awkward for her when my dad walked in on us and did nothing except leave half of his pizza on the table for us.
Ive never seen him vulnerable before. He just had surgery and looked so cute on his crutches. like a little baby bird with a broken wing. that i wanted to nurse back to health. with my vagina
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
Just bc you put "its cute" at the end of it doesn't change the fact that u have called me a vag twice this morning and its only 10:03
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My one night stand said I love you, opened my fridge, stole my cream cheese and left.
Using my graduation announcement box as a table to roll a blunt on. I've official stopped giving a shit about senior year
Well, if you're anything like me you'll get a lot of ass when you turn 30, so that's a plus
college girl with braces trying to flirt with you...time to go
Dad hid the hash somewhere in my room and wont tell me where it is until i clean it. My room is spotless. The hash was on the ceiling fan...
It still amazes me Mike had to have neck surgery after eating me out so much.
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