I just am on my way home.. i had 3 and one startd crying and puking.. so they went home. one bitch fuckin ruined it for evryone.. u playin cards?
wow, i just saw a girl period all over the floor. get my shoes
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
Oh trust me, i am. It's like magic, but instead of rabbits and doves its orgasms- He just keeps pulling them out of nowhere.
Normally I would go for him, but there's just way too much vodka under the bridge for that
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
On the upside I'm hairless from the waist down. On the downside, I just chemically burned my labia
He's gonna be so upset when he get's a real job and can't do serious drugs.
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
we're like the harlem globetrotters of underage drinking
I wasn't even hungover I was just mourning my dignity
How do you know i dont look like i got attacked by a weedwacker on bath salts?
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
Its really awkward pooping while on videochat. Even if you turn the video off.
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