You had already cockblocked me. The cops were just an assist.
Could someone please kill snooki before she contributes to the gene pool.
searching "dave" under the university of pittsburgh on facebook was not exactly how i hoped to find my baby daddy
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
My roommate said I banged on the wall and said, "this dude eats pussy like a champ."
My mom got me high and then dropped me off at a church.
I've abandoned trying to find a logical explanation of your life.
Already at the river; already getting fucked up. And yes that semicolon is legit because those are congruent statemests
On a scale of zero to "unmitigated disaster," how drunk is he?
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
Also, McDonald's breakfast is now 24/7. This is it. This is how I die. Face first in a pile of hashbrowns.
I apparently asked the cab driver to show us his dick and then he showed me a picture of his girlfriend
So I woke and tried to get up. Then I realised my foot was stuck in the pocket of the pool table.
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
Flirting with/getting ready to possibly sleep with a married HS classmate and getting added to a bible study group chat within minutes of each other. #Balance
Randomize
