god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
nothing i could have done in life could have prepared me for walking in on her SHITTING on my rug.
Needless to say there is no second date for this girl.
yet...
Thats how high i was. The fact that he looked like Seth Rogan was apparently a good thing.
This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
I'm graduating. Then you'll never see me again.
We better fuck soon then
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
Somehow I gave him blood blisters on his dick...I don't know if I'm that good or that bad.
It's getting increasingly easier to use his emotional instability to my advantage. That's about all he has going for him right now.
begin the sex magic rocket ship countdown
I'll feed you vitamin c from my mouth this weekend. Like a baby bird.
Promise??
We watched playoff games and fucked so we could both see the TV. I've now found true love.
Is there a reason why your pubic hair is a plastic bag on my bathroom floor? And yes I know its yours... You wrote your name on the bag
Does having sex in an airport bathroom with a girl you just met at the bar count as the mile high club? ...no?
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
Randomize
