Was i wearing a white blazer when you superpoke danced me??
I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
I am wasted and people are fist pumping. This should not happen on the west coast.
i really wish i had a remote for my computer. its all the way on my bed while im across the hall puking my brains out to enya. not cool.
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
Your like the Mozart of blow jobs, you make every other girl seem like cheesy elevator music.
I was very proud of myself that day. I had an awesome time. I don't care if I negatively impacted others.
I think I just cured my dogs munchies
I did not appreciate your texts about spanking at 3'o'clock this morning.
I think I just pulled an onion peel off my boob from sleeping on their kitchen floor
I hid a TracFone in her bra. We'll find her tomorrow.
Slept with the roommate last night and also discovered that she believes in eugenics. I may need to slow down my drinking
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
You should have thought of that before emitting walrus sounds while intoxicated
And then he tried to convince me that he could wear a condom instead of pants to go out.
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