eating toast while peeing. You think this what kanye meant by the good life?
oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
i used the phrase horny rhinos in my paper. i hope my teacher appreciates the size of my balls
I come up with the best drinking games while babysitting
Youre on making sure I dont black out around fat chicks duty
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
We woke up under the ping pong table holding hands.
Post-shopping-cart-scooter-jousting victory fuck?
I was busy. But now I'm about to consume alcohol and chicken. We shall see where this takes us. Maybe to the moon, maybe to the floor. I have no idea.
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
She just sent me a message. It's a poem, about eternal love, that she wrote, about us. Just because I took her home two nights - doesn't mean it's eternal love.
Eating power bars and masterbating... That's kinda my life right now. Is this what having a boyfriend means?
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
I wonder how long it will take her to realize that I peed in her night stand.
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