i just woke up in a strange room and the first thing i saw was a chewbacca mask... wtf
Hi Jason, it's Liz. We dont need you to pick us up anymore. I dont care if you will be here in a milisecond. And you should know im wearing really amazing shoes.
carls jr on main st. japanese tourist taking a dump in the urinal. reading a japanese newspaper and wearing a full suit.
be there in 3 mins
I feel like I should come with a warning like "Orgasm free since 1983"
I think I have vodka in my lungs
You know it's a good weekend when you wake up on Sunday questioning your sexuality.
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
I hoped the great care he put into rolling a blunt would translate to my vagina.
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
You went to a drug deal in a onesie.
St. Patrick's day can kiss my ass. Still hungover. I guess I showed up at my gym blacked out yesterday morning. Like im not missing a gym day b
He's so sweet...I can't see him enjoying that I got injured during sex.
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
I was in line at Panera when I got the pic you sent to your coworker. I just showed your vag to a soccer mom. The vibrator was a nice touch.
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
Randomize
