chris hansen is no longer pursuing child predators.let's celebrate
i'll bring the hard lemonade and lube
just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
Hmm. I hear gunshots, car horns blaring, hear drunk white people screaming, and see about fifty status updates pertaining to the hawks. I guess they won.
I found her sitting in the shower having an argument with the dolphins on the shower curtain.
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
Throwing up in his bed is not a step up in your relationship
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
Boss out of town. Had 2 beers for lunch, a long walk and a bowl...and then in he comes. Blamed obvious intoxication on my pain meds. Back at the bar. This is one of those bad judgement days.
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
If my vagina were a person, it just ran a marathon.
Probably should start having regular sex again too to lose this breakup weight. Good cardio.
Even in drag you're still better looking than your sister.
Lesson Learned: It's not a party until someone pisses their pants.
Randomize
