ya dads aren't the best wingmen
At one point last night while tipping the bartender you looked at him and said "If I need money later, I'm taking this back"
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
Selling Girl Scout Cookies outside bars for higher than retail value has got to be the most profitable idea. Ever.
People were drinking out of 26ers with straws, and somewhere someone yelled "fill me with dicks!" I'm home.
Not after That Night. No. I hate tequila. And it hates me. Very mutual hateship going on.
Can we talk about the fact that a stranger is doing a line of coke off our living room table right now?
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
Sometimes I think he has a hidden camera in my vagina so he knows what I'm doing and saying at all times...
Goddamn it. Hes got me addicted to his penis
Tell him you want to lick his face. Didn't work for me but might turn out better for you idk
Yah. I'm gonna lay you down and feed you grapes, except I'm gonna replace grapes for my balls
Let's make a rule now, to not smoke weed out of our trumpets. After tonight.
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
Randomize
