i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i still was a whore
I'm basically sure i was the reason for glitter on his penis
This inappropriate post strip club text brought to you by Cheetah of Palm Beach and vodka. Blowjob in the champagne room and the clap for the low low price of your paycheck.
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
You may be in san diego, but I just watched a guy in a wheelchair sing walking in memphis for karaoke. Check and mate.
Major win last night. I traded my roommate two cigs for a six pack and a bag of beef jerky. This has been a Brian weekend update
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
I need to calm my uterus...
Sorry I yelled at you and called you Amish and puked on your eggs
drunk me always erases text conversations because she is a woman of mystery and does not like for me to know what's going on in her life
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
Drunk. Come get me. Out front blue shirt.
Where are you? And you borrowed my shirt. I know what you're wearing. How wasted are you?
Hotel
WHICH HOTEL??
it was like 6 shots in and he was automatically my type
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
Randomize
